U.S. Supreme Court declares heterosexual marriage is one of God’s mistakes

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark judgment against God yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that same-sex couples are entitled to marriage. “The fact that the creation account in Genesis focuses on a heterosexual couple at the origin of human existence merely shows us that God, for reasons unknown to us, is part of a heterosexist conspiracy against healthy human intimacy. And, sadly, God continues to hold to that view, while at the same time allowing select members of his own creation, situated in elite positions of power throughout the United States, to surpass him in wisdom and understanding,” noted one legal expert, who asked to remain anonymous and unidentified by gender specification. “It is unclear to us why God is so stubbornly old-fashioned and provincial. It’s causing a great deal of division in this country. Think of the scandal this is: God, the origin of all existence, is now the one being so divisive and ruining human happiness around the globe.”

Others have taken a more conciliatory tone in understanding the SCOTUS ruling from a religious point-of-view. “I have no problem with the Genesis account,” noted the Rev. Gene Waters of the Church of Future Rainbows. “All that it tells us is that the human race would never have populated the earth without this disordered heterosexual relationship. As distasteful as it is, we need to get past that and see that Adam and Eve did the dirty work, and now we have the luxury of engaging in relationships that are actually more spiritual and enlightened, and have less to do with the way our bodies are made. The advances of bio-technology assure us that men and women will never need to partake in that disgusting mating ritual that reminds us of animal behavior: test-tube babies are now a viable way of propagating the human community. This is part of God’s plan of continuing creation; it’s an anthropological evolution which this generation, through its persistent and patient pursuit of contraception, pornography, and fornication, has finally merited. No one should be held back from human progress by fundamentalists determined to make people notice the way their bodies are made. We simply need to be proactive in shaming these people into silence by bringing in the language of human rights.”

A parishioner at the Church of Future Rainbows had this insight: “It’s unbelievable to me that Christians can disagree about so fundamental a truth as this: Christ came to free us from all of that Old Testament body-baggage. Never mind that he had a human body, and a male one at that. He really couldn’t help that, given the cultural context in which he was situated. The simple fact is that no one would have listened to him if he would have come as a woman or a transgender person. But all of that is changing. Brothers and sisters, take heart: we have arrived in the Promised Land. Let’s sing forth our kingdom of Supreme Court Justice.”

God was asked to comment on the ruling, but his words were considered offensive and non-inclusive.

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